Escaping the Drumpf EYE-LAM: A Necessary How-To Guide for All Americans

America is in crisis. We are in the crosshairs of a great, terrifying beast: eyes red with rage, mouth foaming, massive fists ready to destroy. This creature will not be satisfied until it has consumed all of us along with a nice chianti (and, I hope, a few Tic Tacs… I don’t think Americans do well for the breath).

I am speaking, of course, of Donald Trump’s Islam™. Which “hates us. There is an unbelievable hatred of us.”

Shivers, amiright?

It took me a minute to make total sense of what Trump was saying. Islam is a religion, but that is clearly not what he’s talking about. I mean, duh. That would be like saying, “Long division hates India,” which would be ridiculous because long division is a concept and not a singular being with thoughts or opinions or feelings, and also because Indian food is delicious and so hating India would be stupid.

But then I remembered that Donald Trump is descended of the Drumpf family of Germany, where they have a great many words (“the best words!”) with letters that are there on paper but not there in the mouth, and then it clicked into place: Islam, in this case, must be an old European legend, in which case the “s” would be silent. OF COURSE. He is talking about the Eye-lam. And this is doubly sensible because all of the scariest words have a silent “s” after an “i.” Like island: as in, Island of Dr. Moreau, or Joe and the Volcano (which, okay, doesn’t have the word island in the title, but there was an island in it, and it was the most terrifically bad movie of all time). Or like viscount: a fun word we don’t hear a lot of in the U.S. that refers to someone who is a member of the nobility, but only at a low level (or, to translate into Trumpese: a loser, the most horrifying thing of all).

This is one of those cases in which I think the news media would do us all a favor if they would use phonetic spellings for new concepts, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Let’s talk about this Eye-lam. Because it sounds pretty horrible and I’m here under my bed with nothing but a smartphone and one sleeve of peanut butter Girl Scout cookies… okay, half a sleeve… okay, dammit, 1/3 of a sleeve, sheesh… and I can’t stay down here forever. So I need to figure this thing out right quick, before I’m out of cookies or battery life or bladder capacity.

Mr. Drumpf doesn’t actually give us too much insight into the Eye-lam, aside from the fact that it hates Americans. What he does give us, however, is countless hours of monologue about himself, and from this we can uncover a treasure trove of clues about this massive, existential threat.

For example, something we know about about Mr. Drumpf… from Mr. Drumpf… is that he is a “visionary.” And not just any visionary: a great visionary. The best visionary. People are always telling him he’s a visionary. He has people coming up to him all the time, the smartest people, and they say he’s the most terrific visionary they’ve ever seen. It’s fantastic. And this is VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION. Why? Because when we look back at history’s greatest visionaries, they are not people who are just going to give you instructions and set you on your way. No way! I mean, consider Nostradamus. Did he simply say, “Hey, so, in 1789 there’s going to be a revolution in France and someday it will make a great musical and you will cry when Gavroche dies?” Nooooooo. Instead he wrote a poem about the demands of enslaved populations and headless idiots, that you can only understand in the context of all the other crazy shit he said.

Because there’s value in the journey, you guys. Value in the journey.

So we have to look at the entirety of the Drumpf verse in order to understand what the Drumpf Eye-lam is and how to protect ourselves against it.

I’ve done us the favor of nominating myself the scribe (you’re welcome), and have compiled the Collected Works of Drumpf Verse for our consideration. Here we go…

Collected Works of Drumpf Verse
(click each line for source)

You can’t come here.
These are people that shouldn’t be in our country.
They flow in like water.
You can’t come here.

Who’s doing the raping?
I do business with the Mexican people

but… they’re bad.
They’re really bad.
People from all over
that are 
killers and rapists.
Someone’s doing the raping.

I could’ve said:
“Mitt, drop to your knees.”
He would have dropped
to his knees.
My fingers are long
and beautiful

as are… other various
parts of my body.
Who’s doing the raping?
He would’ve dropped to his knees.

I was always of the opinion
that aggression,
sex drive,
and everything that goes along with it
was on the 
man’s part
of the table.
Not the woman’s.
Who’s doing the raping?

You know, it doesn’t really matter
what they write
as long as you’ve got
a young and beautiful piece of ass.
Someone’s doing the raping.

Hey,
you want to see something funny?
People that are being thrown out
Being thrown out on their ass
Look at those bloodsuckers!
Blood coming out of her wherever
She’s just a woman
She can’t take the business
You want to see something funny?

I would be very, very firm with families
Very firm with families
You have to take out their families.
They care about their lives
Don’t kid yourself.
You have to take out their families.

You want to see something funny?

I’d like to punch him in the face.
I love the old days
They’d be carried out on a stretcher
Maybe he should have been roughed up
Hurt him

I will pay the legal fees
Get him the hell out of here
I’d like to punch him in the face.

This time it’s not about nice.
I do want databases
I want surveillance
I want surveillance of certain mosques
A total and complete shutdown
of Muslims entering the United States.
You want to see something funny?
I’d like to punch him in the face.

Who’s doing the raping?
He lost.
I don’t like losers.
He’s not a war hero
He was captured.
I don’t like losers.

Black guys counting my money!
I hate it!
The only kind of people
I want counting my money
are short guys
that wear yarmulkes.
Black guys counting my money!
I hate it!

Look, Mussolini was Mussolini…
It’s a very good quote.
I’m not sure I have ever asked God’s forgiveness.
I don’t bring God into that picture.
It was a very interesting quote.
You have to take out their families.

You want to see something funny?
Do we have the most fun?
We have the most fun.
Blood coming out of her wherever
Hurt him, I will pay the legal fees
Who’s doing the raping?
He would’ve dropped to his knees.

Wow.

Um. Yeah.

So, it turns out that Drumpf is a giant ass. I mean, I’m still here under the bed, so I am thinking twice before I cast stones… but shit. It’s not the Drumpf Eye-lam at all. It’s the Ass Eye-lam.

Ass-eye-lam.

Asylum.

Fuuuuuuuck.

THIS DUDE IS CRAZY.

Maybe I’ll stay under the bed after all, until the Eye-lam eats Donald Drumpf. That sounds good to me. I just need another sleeve of cookies.