You know that very famous book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, by Laura Numeroff? My kids love that book. It’s cute and it’s fun to read. But it is also not particularly realistic. And so I have taken it upon myself, on this Monday from hell, when every form of badness decided to make itself known to me, to write a hardcore, rooted-in-reality spinoff.
If You Give a Boy a Banana
Alternate title: Monday
If you give a boy a banana,
he’s going to be left with a peel.
He’s going to ask what to do with it.
When you tell him to throw it away,
he will probably stash it behind the bathroom sink instead.
When he’s finished, no one will know it is there.
Then several days will pass,
in which no one notices the peel.
when you stumble down the stairs
and discover that your entire house is overrun by flies.
Then you’ll have to kill the flies
and in doing so
realize that most of them are congregating in the bathroom.
So you’ll shut the bathroom door
and arm yourself with hairspray and paper towels
in order to smash dead every one of those suckers.
When you smash them dead,
you’ll have to wipe them up off the floor.
While you’re wiping them off the floor,
you’ll find that something smells bad by the sink.
When you follow the bad smell,
you will discover the banana peel,
which is now all rotten
and covered with maggots.
When you discover the rotten, maggoty banana peel,
you will scream like a frightened Girl Scout
and run away.
This will scare your children
and they will ask what’s wrong,
and you will say something like,
Upon hearing this,
the boy will understand only
that there are maggots in your house,
and for the next twelve hours,
he will tell everyone he sees
(including every single neighbor)
that you have maggots in your house.
He will not tell them
that the maggots hatched off of his old banana peel.
Just that your bathroom has maggots.
If the boy spends all day
telling everyone and their mother
that your house has maggots,
he is going to get hungry.
When he gets hungry,
he will ask for a banana.
And chances are,
if he asks for a banana,
your head will explode
and all the cleaning
will have been for naught.