As of the time of this writing, Santa is in China! I wonder if Chinese legislators ever stopped to think about how their one-child policy would impact Santa? If I were the big guy, I’d be pissed as hell to have to sweat and curse my way down a new chimney for every single child in the country. What a relief to hit the Bible Belt and be able to tick 8 or 12 kids off his list in a single, sooty descent, huh? Even better in parts of Utah, where he can knock out 25 or 30 per house. I bet Santa watches Sister Wives with the angry fervor of a drunk football fan, screaming, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN FOUR HOUSES??? FOUL, FOUL!”
Do they have fouls in football?
In any case, we’re now in that peculiar time of year that makes people simultaneously joyful and hatefully crazy – that delightful seasonal blend of goodwill, xenophobic paranoia, and unpredictable rage. Mix in a heavy dose of rum cake, rum balls and rum egg nog, and you’ve got yourself a right hootenanny, a cultural shindig of COPS proportions. And within this great year-end bash, we’re all Sharks and Jets, but with less dancing and more angry mall walking: Over here is the “Happy Holidays” contingent, getting the evil eye from the “Jesus is the reason” folks, who are studiously ignoring the glares of the “Even ancient Druids celebrated Solstice” scientists. “Season’s Greetings” is a statement of a bygone era, back in a day when it was generally acceptable to offer non-specific pleasant wishes. Now even attempts at inclusivity are offensive, on the very basis of their inclusivity.
And you know what?
I don’t have time for this shit.
So I did something a little different in our card this year. May this solve the dilemma and allow us to escape the seasonal minefield as unscathed as possible… and may it also bring you a little smile, whatever your preferred greeting. Joyous Christmahanukwanzeidstice to all, and to all a good night!