A completely, totally, 100% hypothetical debate transcript.

N.P. CORNWALLIS: Good evening from this place we’re in that I’m sure I’d know the name of, had I not been transported here in a blindfold and wristknots. I’m N.P. Cornwallis, and I welcome you to this much anticipated debate between Robin Van Winkle and Avarice McPride. Gentlemen, welcome to you both. Let’s begin by talking about jobs. What are the major differences between the two of you in how you would create new jobs?

ROBIN VAN WINKLE: So… things? They’ve been BAD. But let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about… THE FUTURE. I think the best way to create jobs… is to invest in things that are NOT JOBS. So. All of you. Go home right now and rent “Dangerous Minds” and “Mr. Holland’s Opus.” Good night.

AVARICE MCPRIDE: Well, hold on there Mr. Van Winkle. People are talking to me and they’re telling me that this is a sensitive issue for them and they need a bunch of stuff like, number one, take business away from foreigners and number two, give more business to foreigners and number three, be not like foreigners, and number four, be more like foreigners, and number five: BUDGET, SPENDING, TAXES, REGULATIONS, TRICKLE. The end.

CORNWALLIS: That is a very large number of words. Mr. Van Winkle, can you reply to “trickle”?

VAN WINKLE: No N.P., I want to talk more about “Dangerous Minds.” I like Michelle Pfeiffer. I like Michelle Pfeiffer a lot. So. My plan is to make 100 million MORE Michelle Pfeiffers. All original copies… No weird Michael Keaten duplicates like in “Multiplicity.” And, TAXES. Because Mr. McPride, with the taxes? Nuh-uh.

MCPRIDE: Now, wait a minute while I clear up that record because I never said I’d do anything to taxes, and N.P., I have to correct you for attributing “trickle” to me, because I never said “trickle,” and, in fact, I have a speech impediment that makes it impossible for me to say the word “trickle.”

CORNWALLIS: Of course. My apologies, Mr. McPride. On the subject of taxes, Mr. Van Winkle, can you respond?

VAN WINKLE: Yes. Because there is a difference… between Mr. McPride and me. He has said that he will cut taxes by eleventy bajillion dollars. And I? I do not agree. And it’s not MY disagreement. It’s the disagreement of independent experts who have examined Mr. McPride’s plan. They say that eleventy bajillion dollars exceeds the Gross Domestic Product of THE ENTIRE EARTH.

CORNWALLIS: Mr. Mc-

MCPRIDE: YOU HUUSSSSHHH. I SPEAK NOW. (Pause) Mr. Van Winkle, I have never said that.

VAN WINKLE: But, on this specific day-

MCPRIDE: NO. I have never once in my life spoken about taxes.

VAN WINKLE: Except you did.

MCPRIDE: TRICKLE.

CORNWALLIS: Okay, gentlemen, let’s get this back on track.

MCPRIDE: No, this is my debate now, you just play on Facebook and let us worry about what’s happening at the grown ups’ table. Let’s talk about businesses now, Mr. Van Winkle, because I will create more business and you, Mr. Van Winkle, will not and did not and I give you the finger wag of shame, Mr. Van Winkle, THE FINGER WAG OF SHAME.

VAN WINKLE: Yeah, well, I’m not looking, so I can’t see you. So there.

MCPRIDE: Lucky for you, because you should be so ashamed that you have not thought to cut taxes by eleventy bajillion dollars. You were out there flitting around, all ‘healthcare, terrorists, blah, blah, blah,’ when all you needed to do what cut taxes by eleventy billion dollars and that would have brought Santa back to Christmasland.

VAN WINKLE: Okay, I just want to say to the American people, that if you believe that there is eleventy billion dollars to be cut? And that that will bring Santa back to Christmasland? Well, I don’t know what. Because… I just realized this line of attack sounds very aggressive. So. Never mind. Excuse me while I work on my Lord Voldemort doodle.

MCPRIDE: I NEVER SAID that there was eleventy bajillion dollars to be cut.

VAN WINKLE: Then what were you just talking about?!

MCPRIDE: UNICORN.

VAN WINKLE: I am choosing to ignore that. Instead… I will remind you that I cut a lot of spending. Not a made-up number. And, yeah, okay, not quite as much as I said I would. Okay, so, maybe only half of what I said I would. But, as my grandmother always told me, “A for effort!” So, you know. Gold star for me!

MCPRIDE: I would have cut more, or added more, or both, and I will clarify that at a future date yet to be determined.

CORNWALLIS: I need to justify my existence, so I will point out, Mr. McPride, that what you’re looking for is cutting more spending. How would you cut more spending?

MCPRIDE: WOULD cut? I just DID cut it, N.P.

CORNWALLIS: In the last three seconds? How?

MCPRIDE: I just had my people shank Big Bird, that’s how. That flamboyant feathered freeloader has read his last commie library book. RIP, you entitled pinko.

Stunned silence.

VAN WINKLE: N.P.? Considering that I didn’t really show up here tonight, can I just go? I’d be glad to leave this chair for Mr. McPride to continue talking to.

CORNWALLIS: Yeah, I don’t care.

MCPRIDE: TRICKLE, UNICORN, CHRISTMASLAND. Thank you, America!

5 Responses to “A completely, totally, 100% hypothetical debate transcript.”

    • firstcityline

      Vanilla Ice blog-bombed me!

      I was thinking Robin = Robin Hood. See how clever I try to be? Only by the time I got to Romney I was tired of thinking up clever names and went the lazy route. Which is the reason I really should not try to be clever – I lack the stamina for it.

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