I have been counting down the seconds to buy Apple’s new iPhone 5. Mostly because, as of Saturday, my trusty iPhone 4 looks like this:
Which is kind of awesome, actually, because the shattery part looks like an owl. So if it wasn’t for that all the teensy shards of glass that keep getting lodged in my fingertips, I might just be inclined to name this phone Hedwig (a dual nod to both Harry Potter and The Angry Inch – a pretty spectacular two-bird-one-stone accomplishment) and keep it forever.
Alas, broken glass is ouchie, so Hedwig has to go.
I contemplated buying a replacement screen and fixing it myself, but by then the release of iPhone 5 was pretty much the worst-kept secret in corporate history and since I’m eligible for an upgrade, I decided to hold out and get myself a sweet new pretty of a phone instead. This eliminates potential loss-of-phone time that could result from (1) me bungling a DIY fix and/or (2) leaving the phone with someone to who actually knows what they’re doing, to have them fix it. My cell phone is my business line and I’m a big fan of getting paid, so I’m all about the least disruptive solution. Plus, my iPhone is basically my brain now and living without it essentially means sentencing my family to slowly starve to death in total isolation, since I can’t even remember a time when I was able to independently recall appointments, directions, grocery lists and meal plans.
So I devised a highly technical, short-term solution that would allow me to keep using the broken iPhone until the magical day (TODAY) that I could order a new one. Behold:
It’s (surprisingly) functional, but any movement of the plastic bag leads to conversations like this:
Me: So I’ll get that guide put together for you by end of day tomorrow. (slight movement)
Sandwich Bag: PFFFFFFTTTTTHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBPPPPPPPTTTTTTHHHSSSSSHHHHHHHCCCCCCHHHHHHH
Colleague: Oh my God! Are you okay?!
Me: Oh, yeah, I’m fine. That was just the sandwich bag my phone is in.
Which, I’m thinking, is something less than professional.
So in the wee hours of this morning, I wasn’t even out of bed when I grabbed the iPad and tried to get in my iPhone 5 pre-order.
Tablet Apple Store: Hi, we have all this new stuff to replace all the crappy, old stuff you bought 2 or more weeks ago! What would you like?
Me: I choose iPhone! Pre-order now!
Tablet Apple Store: We have that in black or white, with three different grotesque levels of memory you’ll never use, with these different carriers.
Me: Black, please! 16 GB, please! AT&T, please! I’m so excited!
Tablet Apple Store: Are you new to sadomasochism, or are you an existing AT&T customer?
Me: I’ve been AT&T’s bitch for a while now, here’s my info, send my new phone now please!
Tablet Apple Store: Congratulations, you can have this new phone for $199! Do you still want it?
Me: Yes, yes, yes!
Tablet Apple Store: Would you like us to mail that to you in two weeks, or would you like to pick it up on September 21?
Me: Oh… crap. How far away is September 21? What day is today? I don’t know. I have a calendar right on this here iPad, but I’m going to forget that for the time being and go check the calendar in the kitchen! I’ll be right back! (Go to kitchen, stop by bathroom, back to bedroom.) I’m back! I’ll pick it up on the 21st, please!
Tablet Apple Store: I’m sorry, you pee too long, your session has expired.
Me: WHAT? No! Let me get my order back!
Tablet Apple Store: Ha ha, loser face. We’re not available right now.
Since the tablet store was clearly choosing to be an asshole today, I decided to go downstairs and order on our nice, reliable Toshiba. I pulled up the Apple Store and went through all the same steps as before.
Me: iPhone 5, black, 16 GB, AT&T, account information, GO!
Apple Store: Are you sure you want this black, 16 GB iPhone 5 with an AT&T contract?
Apple Store: Really, really sure?
Me: Yes, dammit, YES!
Apple Store: …Processing Information….
Apple Store: Your cart is empty.
Me: NO. No, my cart is not empty. You just made me confirm twice that my cart was not empty!
Apple Store: Maybe you need to enable your cookies.
Me: How do I do that, Apple Store? How???
Apple Store: Beats the fuck out of me. Maybe you should go ask your PC people.
I should probably be more embarrassed than I am to admit that I repeated that exact same process not one, not two, not even three, but four times, getting angrier every time.
I tried to Google to figure out how to enable cookies or whatever I needed to do to make Apple take my money and send me a damned phone already, but all I learned is that Samsung is the mudlingiest of smartphone makers, as most combinations of “iPhone” and anything negative (like, “order failure,” “cookie problem,” and “I HATE YOU APPLE STORE”) will bring up ads for a Samsung Galaxy.
So back to the asshole tablet Apple Store I went, to place my order for the seventh time. This time I made it all the way to the checkout screen (yay!), where the $400 total stopped me in my tracks.
Me: $400? What?
Tablet Apple Store: Oh, you mean you don’t want two of these? Because we totally have you down for two, since you tried to order one earlier.
Me: I LOST AN HOUR OF MY MORNING BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME I COULDN’T HAVE THAT ONE!
Tablet Apple Store: Oh, really? That’s hilarious. So, you want these phones or what? There’s, like, eleventy billion people trying to get these right now, you know.
Me: Fuck you. I hate you. The Samsung Galaxy looks pretty sweet.
Tablet Apple Store: No. Wait. Please don’t go.
Tablet Apple Store: No, not really. I don’t care. Just make up your damned mind already.
Tablet Apple Store: …
Me: Fine, give me my fucking phone. Just one.
Tablet Apple Store: Okay. Do you want us to mail that to you, or do you want to pick it up in store sooner?
Me: I’ll pick it up. Wait, why can’t I click this?
Tablet Apple Store: Oh, that was just a joke. You don’t really get to pick it up, we’re going to mail it to you.
Tablet Apple Store: Yep. Your order is placed now. Congratulations, you’ll get your phone in two weeks.
Me: I still hate you.
Tablet Apple Store: Whatever.
Then I closed the iPad and danced around the house for ten minutes. Because guess what?
I GET MY NEW IPHONE IN TWO WEEKS! SQUEEEEEEEE!