Why I am a lousy grown up… A play in one act

8:00 pm – bedtime

ISABEL: I don’t want to go to bed. I’m scared.

ME: What are you scared of?

ISABEL: I don’t want to die.

ME: You’re not going to die.

ISABEL: But I think my heart feels funny.

ME: We talked about this earlier. You farted and then felt better. It’s gas.

ISABEL: Are you sure?

ME: Yes, I’m sure. Good night.

8:10 pm

INTERNAL DIALOGUE: She’s fine. It’s gas. Relax.

8:11 pm

But… what if…

8:12 pm

Google… “heart pain in children”… common… rarely cause for alarm… Hm, pleurisy. What’s that?

8:15 pm

OH MY GOD. What if it’s pleurisy? Wait… she’s breathing okay. No fever. Probably not pleurisy.

8:16 pm

But she almost never gets a fever, even when she’s really sick. And was that a funny rattle I heard in her chest when she was crying this afternoon? I should go check her.

8:17 pm

Don’t check her. Stop being stupid.

8:18 pm

Google… atypical pleurisy…

8:19 pm

Psittacosis! Holy shit, I’ve never even heard of that before! How did I not know about this?

8:20 pm

ISABEL: Mom, what are you doing?

ME: Oh, I just came to give you one more hug.

8:22 pm

INTERNAL DIALOGUE: Breathing is fine… Stop Googling stuff, moron.

8:23 – 8:49 pm

I won’t Google. I won’t Google.

8:50 pm

I wonder… whatever happened with that antibiotic resistant tuberculosis that was going around…

8:53 pm

Don’t look it up. Don’t do it. You’ll regret it. Just don’t.

8:55 pm

Google… Virulent tuberculosis…

9:15 pm


9:16 pm

Google… Pandemic.

10:10 pm

TARGET CASHIER: Did you find everything okay?

ME: Yes, thank you.

TARGET CASHIER: That’s a lot of plastic sheeting and duct tape. Are you painting a room?

ME: Nope.

10:30 pm

INTERNAL DIALOGUE: Everyone is healthy, we’re prepared in case of pandemic. Now sleep!

11:30 pm

AIDAN: *Cries*

ME: Aidan, what’s wrong?

AIDAN: There’s a monster! Or a ghost! It’s a mean one!

ME: Honey, there’s no monsters or ghosts.

AIDAN: It’s under my bed!

ME: *checks under bed* No monster or ghost here! There’s no such thing as monsters and ghosts, buddy.

AIDAN: Do you promise?

ME: I promise. Sleep tight.


INTERNAL DIALOGUE: There’s no such thing as monsters and ghosts. Go to sleep.

1:00 am

There’s no such thing as monsters and ghosts. Go to sleep.

2:00 am

There’s no such thing as monsters and ghosts. Go to sleep.

3:00 am

WHAT WAS THAT??!! Oh. The cat. There’s no such thing as monsters and ghosts. Go to sleep.

4:00 am

I wonder if they still make candy cigarettes?

5:00 am

It’s getting light out. Monsters and ghosts are hiding now. Go to sleep.

5:10 am


5:45 am

Wake up. Start a new day.

6 Responses to “Why I am a lousy grown up… A play in one act”

  1. Alli

    I’m right there with you. Just googling different horrifying illnesses.
    Hope you sleep well tonight!

  2. TracyRoz

    yes there are still candy cigarettes – that sounds like my night too except it was me dreaming of doing p90x with joel harrison screaming at me when I slowed down

  3. Izabela Trzebuniak Gignac

    Psittacosis…isn’t that the bird disease? I mean I know it’s usually parrots, but could it be chickens also??? 😉 Just messing with you some more

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