Apocalypse? Pshaw. I’m a SURVIVOR, bitches. ‘Cuz I’m a MOM.

This morning I was struck by a sudden realization:

Everything I need to know to survive the apocalypse, I have learned from my children.

Day to day survival, securing a homestead, fighting off roving gangs of bandits… I have plans to deal with it all, and I have my kids to thank. You might think people just have kids out of some mindless biological imperative combined with a fear of death, but really? It’s about survival, bitches. When The End Of The World As We Know It (TEOTWAWKI) strikes, all that will be left are cockroaches, Subaru station wagons, and parents with young children. And maybe David Hasselh0ff, on account of protection of his musical genius (presumably by the German Army).

I’m really feeling the list thing lately, so here you go:

SHIT I’VE LEARNED FROM MY KIDS THAT WILL GUARANTEE APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL

1. Germs are not as scary as we’ve been trained to believe. Human beings are able to survive:

  • Inadequate hand-washing
  • Tongue-to-seat contact with a public toilet
  • Ingestion of all manner of non-food items found in parking lots and on the side of the road

2. Guns are good but toys are better. Scattered around your hideout they will stab the feet of intruders and act as utterly terrifying animal-sound alarms.

3. When the gas reserves are finally depleted and your car stops in a danger area, remember this simple equation to get a quick tow back home: Kids + Sugar + Red #40

4. In case of emergency, toilet paper can be combined with water to fill the following needs:

  • Bandaging for open wounds
  • Cast material for broken bones (thus far only tested on dolls and one very reluctant cat, but seems universal in theory)
  • A quick snack

5. Little boy dirt, harvested from neck folds, backs of ears, and the spaces between toes, is nature’s adhesive. It can hang signs, tack together barricades, and be combined with a slingshot to gum up the eyelashes of attacking zombie hordes.

6. Foreskin is a secure and unexpected place to store valuables.

7. Sleep is unnecessary. A grand total of five hours’ sleep is enough to sustain you for years to come.

8. Breast milk will cure pinkeye, cleanse wounds, and scare off advancing strangers if you manage to squirt them in the nose or mouth (target practice is highly recommended).

9. There is no injury that cannot be cured by a Scooby Doo Band-Aid.

10. Children have better aim, and greater capacity to cause physical harm, than any adult. Remember the following pint-sized attack strategies:

  • Sticks (nothing fancy here, just give ’em sticks; they know what to do)
  • Suddenly jumping while beneath someone’s chin
  • Head-slam disguised as an aggressive hug
  • Head-butt to the stomach or groin
  • Stomp to the toes
  • Toenails (can be used to slice skin, cut meat and climb trees; never get dull and grow back overnight)

2 Responses to “Apocalypse? Pshaw. I’m a SURVIVOR, bitches. ‘Cuz I’m a MOM.”

  1. Bruce Kahn

    regarding #6, I keep hoping that someone will break in and search for my valuables, but it hasn’t happened yet….

  2. Bruce Kahn

    regarding #6, I keep hoping that someone will break in and search for my valuables, but it hasn’t happened yet….

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