When the kids and I were coming home after Aidan’s gymnastics class today, we passed an alarmingly-shaped tarp bundle on the side of the road. It was about 5 feet long, maybe 2.5 feet wide, sort of oval-ish/rectangular-ish, and secured with twine.
Naturally, I decided it was a body.
So throughout the afternoon and evening I kept an ear on the radio, waiting to hear that our section of the thruway had been closed for a police investigation and manhunt for an armed and dangerous serial killer. When the radio announcers failed to do their job, I figured I should probably watch tonight’s news, to see if they’d caught him and his accomplice yet, and if they’d rescued the poor woman tied up in the back of the rusted-out Scooby Doo van the killers had been living in ever since their rich uncle died and left all his money in trust for the ongoing care of his toenail clipping collection.
It must be that law enforcement feels it’s best to keep this investigation quiet for now, because there was nothing on tonight’s news, either. But while watching, my interest was piqued by a kerfluffle coming out of Michigan. Something about vaginas being banned, or maybe vaginas making a band? It was really confusing. And I thought, number one, Michigan can’t ban vaginas! Michigan is the home of Motown and there would be no Motown without vaginas. There has to be vaginas to sing songs about! Plus, the state of Michigan? Kind of looks like it has a vagina. So to ban vaginas from Michigan would require a whole land mass to secede from the state. Which I suppose isn’t unheard of, because I remember back around 2002 there was a movement to have the state of Vermont secede from the United States and become it’s own little, flanneled maple sugaring country. But I suspect that Michigan would run into the same issue that Vermont did, which is that there’s really nowhere to go. Even if you could figure out a way to transport your state – I mean, they can move whole houses these days, so why not a state, really? Just stick some blinking lights and a WIDE LOAD sign on there – where would you take it? Canada? Canada already has a shitload of land they’re not using, and with minimalism being a “thing” right now, I’d be a little scared to count myself among Canada’s land clutter.
So, in short? Banning vaginas from Michigan = silly, clutter-making, and probably bad for the environment, with all the gas it would require to move half the state.
Which left option number two: Vaginas are making a band, and they’re naming it Michigan. This makes a lot more sense. Although Michigan is a terrible name for a vagina band. I mean, I get what they’re trying to do – after all, Chicago, Alabama and Boston all made it work. With people, though. And that’s the whole deal… If you’re going to start a vagina band, you really don’t need to get gimmicky with the name. You’ve already got your gimmick. People will tune in just to see who’s bald and who has an afro, and how the drummer and guitarist are going to play. You don’t need to try to lure them in through any kind of forced regionalism. Plus, even if you really were committed to using the name of a geographic landmark, it’s just bad news for a vagina band to go with one that represents an enormous fucking lake. Go with a little, cute lake, like Kissimmee – in fact, I would highly recommend the name Kissimmee for a vagina band. Everyone associates Kissimmee with Disney World, and what better image to portray than that your vagina band is rockin’ fun like a sweltering, sweating, smelly hot summer day at Disney World?
I should be a producer, for real.
So I decided to do some research, to find where to email my suggestions to help the vagina band get off to the very best start possible. And this is where things started to get weird.
It turns out that vaginas actually are being banned in Michigan! Most of them aren’t being banned physically, they don’t have to leave the state or anything. But they’re not allowed to be acknowledged directly. It’s kind of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” – no one will ask you about your vagina, and you promise not to say you have one, and everyone can pretend that the vaginas aren’t there.
And I was like, Great Scott, this is very alarming! Because I’ve been to Michigan before, and when I was there, my vagina came with me. And I really don’t remember if I knew to keep that a secret or not. I already have enough social issues as it is, just trying to wrangle my brain and my mouth, and now I have to worry about keeping my vagina in check, too? I mean, this just really sucks, because now I can’t go to Michigan ever again unless I find some kind of vagina muzzle, and I just checked Amazon and they don’t even sell vagina muzzles.
So I was super confused and trying to make sense of what’s what, so that if I ever find myself in Michigan, I am prepared to abide by the local cultural norms. This is something I really need to know ahead of time, so that I can figure out whether or not my vagina needs to be put in my checked baggage or if I can bring it through security with me. I wanted to understand exactly what the circumstances were in which vaginas can and can’t be acknowledged, and then share this information so that you all know, too. Here’s what I found out:
1. Vaginas are physically allowed in the state of Michigan. (Phew!)
2. The state government in Michigan does not formally recognize the existence of vaginas. Vaginas are kind of like Santa Claus this way, only in response to children’s letters I imagine newspapers must reply, “No, Virgins, there is no v*****.”
3. The official position of the state of Michigan is that inside a woman’s body, she has a heart, lungs, stomach, and uterus. The end. The outside world begins where the uterus ends, in a magical horizon of no specific form or name. It simply is, much like the meeting point of the sky and ocean.
4. The government is very interested in women’s uteruses (can you blame them? We’ve all seen Children of Men.) and in the interest of being medically pure and scientifically accurate, all discussion of uteruses is to focus on uteruses alone. As we know, uteruses exist in a vacuum and should be treated as such; anything else is just plain icky.
5. In order to ensure that uteruses are given the full measure of respect they are owed, at no time is anyone to speak, or even think, of that mythical nonsense of vaginas. Anyone who sullies the medical and scientific sanctity of uteruses by trying to push their liberal vagina agenda is to be immediately removed, lest their offensive language scare the uteruses away.
So, that’s the rundown. I’ll admit, I’m still feeling really confused. I see no direction at all on where I can find a vagina muzzle, or if there’s a way to insure my vagina if I need to put it in my checked luggage on a flight and the airline loses it. So I think that for the time being I’ll just make sure to keep my vagina close to home here in New York state, where the government lets our vaginas run so wild, they’re even allowed to hang out with other vaginas if they want to.
I also still don’t know whether or not that whole vagina band thing is still a go. If anyone hears anything about it, drop me an email, okay? My vagina might want to audition.
UPDATE: Did you know that Michigan isn’t the only state that doesn’t want to talk about girly bits? Uteruses aren’t welcome in Florida, either! This makes travel very tricky for all of us who have vaginas, uteruses, ovaries and other baby-gestating parts. Luckily, I have thought of a solution that is sure to appease even the most finicky of lawmakers! Here you go: I bet kangaroos NEVER lose silly bands in their vaginas. Ask your gynecologists about it and report back!