Is it “Vagina banned” or “Vagina band”? I’m so confused.

When the kids and I were coming home after Aidan’s gymnastics class today, we passed an alarmingly-shaped tarp bundle on the side of the road. It was about 5 feet long, maybe 2.5 feet wide, sort of oval-ish/rectangular-ish, and secured with twine.

Naturally, I decided it was a body.

So throughout the afternoon and evening I kept an ear on the radio, waiting to hear that our section of the thruway had been closed for a police investigation and manhunt for an armed and dangerous serial killer. When the radio announcers failed to do their job, I figured I should probably watch tonight’s news, to see if they’d caught him and his accomplice yet, and if they’d rescued the poor woman tied up in the back of the  rusted-out Scooby Doo van the killers had been living in ever since their rich uncle died and left all his money in trust for the ongoing care of his toenail clipping collection.

It must be that law enforcement feels it’s best to keep this investigation quiet for now, because there was nothing on tonight’s news, either. But while watching, my interest was piqued by a kerfluffle coming out of Michigan. Something about vaginas being banned, or maybe vaginas making a band? It was really confusing. And I thought, number one, Michigan can’t ban vaginas! Michigan is the home of Motown and there would be no Motown without vaginas. There has to be vaginas to sing songs about! Plus, the state of Michigan? Kind of looks like it has a vagina. So to ban vaginas from Michigan would require a whole land mass to secede from the state. Which I suppose isn’t unheard of, because I remember back around 2002 there was a movement to have the state of Vermont secede from the United States and become it’s own little, flanneled maple sugaring country. But I suspect that Michigan would run into the same issue that Vermont did, which is that there’s really nowhere to go. Even if you could figure out a way to transport your state – I mean, they can move whole houses these days, so why not a state, really? Just stick some blinking lights and a WIDE LOAD sign on there – where would you take it? Canada? Canada already has a shitload of land they’re not using, and with minimalism being a “thing” right now, I’d be a little scared to count myself among Canada’s land clutter.

So, in short? Banning vaginas from Michigan = silly, clutter-making, and probably bad for the environment, with all the gas it would require to move half the state.

Which left option number two: Vaginas are making a band, and they’re naming it Michigan. This makes a lot more sense. Although Michigan is a terrible name for a vagina band. I mean, I get what they’re trying to do – after all, Chicago, Alabama and Boston all made it work. With people, though. And that’s the whole deal… If you’re going to start a vagina band, you really don’t need to get gimmicky with the name. You’ve already got your gimmick. People will tune in just to see who’s bald and who has an afro, and how the drummer and guitarist are going to play. You don’t need to try to lure them in through any kind of forced regionalism. Plus, even if you really were committed to using the name of a geographic landmark, it’s just bad news for a vagina band to go with one that represents an enormous fucking lake. Go with a little, cute lake, like Kissimmee – in fact, I would highly recommend the name Kissimmee for a vagina band. Everyone associates Kissimmee with Disney World, and what better image to portray than that your vagina band is rockin’ fun like a sweltering, sweating, smelly hot summer day at Disney World?

I should be a producer, for real.

So I decided to do some research, to find where to email my suggestions to help the vagina band get off to the very best start possible. And this is where things started to get weird.

It turns out that vaginas actually are being banned in Michigan! Most of them aren’t being banned physically, they don’t have to leave the state or anything. But they’re not allowed to be acknowledged directly. It’s kind of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” – no one will ask you about your vagina, and you promise not to say you have one, and everyone can pretend that the vaginas aren’t there.

And I was like, Great Scott, this is very alarming! Because I’ve been to Michigan before, and when I was there, my vagina came with me. And I really don’t remember if I knew to keep that a secret or not. I already have enough social issues as it is, just trying to wrangle my brain and my mouth, and now I have to worry about keeping my vagina in check, too? I mean, this just really sucks, because now I can’t go to Michigan ever again unless I find some kind of vagina muzzle, and I just checked Amazon and they don’t even sell vagina muzzles.

So I was super confused and trying to make sense of what’s what, so that if I ever find myself in Michigan, I am prepared to abide by the local cultural norms. This is something I really need to know ahead of time, so that I can figure out whether or not my vagina needs to be put in my checked baggage or if I can bring it through security with me.  I wanted to understand exactly what the circumstances were in which vaginas can and can’t be acknowledged, and then share this information so that you all know, too. Here’s what I found out:

1. Vaginas are physically allowed in the state of Michigan. (Phew!)

2. The state government in Michigan does not formally recognize the existence of vaginas. Vaginas are kind of like Santa Claus this way, only in response to children’s letters I imagine newspapers must reply, “No, Virgins, there is no v*****.”

3. The official position of the state of Michigan is that inside a woman’s body, she has a heart, lungs, stomach, and uterus. The end. The outside world begins where the uterus ends, in a magical horizon of no specific form or name. It simply is, much like the meeting point of the sky and ocean.

4. The government is very interested in women’s uteruses (can you blame them? We’ve all seen Children of Men.) and in the interest of being medically pure and scientifically accurate, all discussion of uteruses is to focus on uteruses alone. As we know, uteruses exist in a vacuum and should be treated as such; anything else is just plain icky.

5. In order to ensure that uteruses are given the full measure of respect they are owed, at no time is anyone to speak, or even think, of that mythical nonsense of vaginas. Anyone who sullies the medical and scientific sanctity of uteruses by trying to push their liberal vagina agenda is to be immediately removed, lest their offensive language scare the uteruses away.

So, that’s the rundown. I’ll admit, I’m still feeling really confused. I see no direction at all on where I can find a vagina muzzle, or if there’s a way to insure my vagina if I need to put it in my checked luggage on a flight and the airline loses it. So I think that for the time being I’ll just make sure to keep my vagina close to home here in New York state, where the government lets our vaginas run so wild, they’re even allowed to hang out with other vaginas if they want to.

I also still don’t know whether or not that whole vagina band thing is still a go. If anyone hears anything about it, drop me an email, okay? My vagina might want to audition.

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UPDATE: Did you know that Michigan isn’t the only state that doesn’t want to talk about girly bits? Uteruses aren’t welcome in Florida, either! This makes travel very tricky for all of us who have vaginas, uteruses, ovaries and other baby-gestating parts. Luckily, I have thought of a solution that is sure to appease even the most finicky of lawmakers! Here you go: I bet kangaroos NEVER lose silly bands in their vaginas. Ask your gynecologists about it and report back!

68 Responses to “Is it “Vagina banned” or “Vagina band”? I’m so confused.”

  1. Emily Suess

    Oh my God, you’re too funny. Me and my “liberal vagina agenda” laughed very heartily at your title, just fyi.

  2. Szymzi

    You make me giggle! I’m going to have to read your blog now!

  3. Szymzi

    You make me giggle! I’m going to have to read your blog now!

  4. Karen Menke

    Ummm, I like your post but since I’m from Florida I have a major problem with it. You said uterus. We’re not supposed to say uterus in Florida. Apparently it’s a banned word because it’s offensive and inappropriate according to the Florida Legislature. Other than that I’m glad to know I can keep my vagina with me. Thanks for the info.

    • firstcityline

      Well, now, this really is a major problem. So the list of mythical female body parts actually CHANGES from state to state. I was even in Florida last month, and I had no idea my uterus didn’t exist while I was there.

      Thanks for the comment!

  5. Karen Menke

    Ummm, I like your post but since I’m from Florida I have a major problem with it. You said uterus. We’re not supposed to say uterus in Florida. Apparently it’s a banned word because it’s offensive and inappropriate according to the Florida Legislature. Other than that I’m glad to know I can keep my vagina with me. Thanks for the info.

    • firstcityline

      Well, now, this really is a major problem. So the list of mythical female body parts actually CHANGES from state to state. I was even in Florida last month, and I had no idea my uterus didn’t exist while I was there.

      Thanks for the comment!

  6. Curtis Lord

    Maybe the Vagina Band should cover this song!

    • firstcityline

      Nice, Curtis! This is you singing? I would definitely recommend this to be included in the vagina band’s lineup.

  7. Janet

    Have to agree with Karen-we Floridians cannot say uterus. If I do visit Michigan, I will bring my cloak of invisiblity to cover my womanly bits so as not to offend. I will have to write uterus on one hand, vagina on the other to make sure I know which word I can’t say in which state. Love your blog.

    • firstcityline

      OMG, Janet, that’s hilarious.

      This whole uterus issue really adds a whole new layer of complexity. Are there other states in which our body parts aren’t officially recognized? I will have to look into this. We may need a guidebook.

  8. Janet

    Have to agree with Karen-we Floridians cannot say uterus. If I do visit Michigan, I will bring my cloak of invisiblity to cover my womanly bits so as not to offend. I will have to write uterus on one hand, vagina on the other to make sure I know which word I can’t say in which state. Love your blog.

    • Rinankin

      make sure to write vagina on the palm of your right hand – the Michigander’s map (or at least… everyone from the lower peninsula)

    • firstcityline

      OMG, Janet, that’s hilarious.

      This whole uterus issue really adds a whole new layer of complexity. Are there other states in which our body parts aren’t officially recognized? I will have to look into this. We may need a guidebook.

  9. Tony Bishop

    I will also be reading your blog more often. UniteWomen.org shared it on facebook and now I’m hooked.

    • firstcityline

      Thanks, Tony! I’m glad you like it and am glad to have you here. Thanks for letting me know UniteWomen.org shared the link – I’ve been wondering how it got around!

    • firstcityline

      This comment means so much to me – thank you very much. I had to re-think how to approach this issue several times so as to highlight the absurdity and humor in it and not just sound angry. It’s really gratifying to know I got it right.

      Thanks again!

  10. Tony Bishop

    I will also be reading your blog more often. UniteWomen.org shared it on facebook and now I’m hooked.

    • firstcityline

      Thanks, Tony! I’m glad you like it and am glad to have you here. Thanks for letting me know UniteWomen.org shared the link – I’ve been wondering how it got around!

  11. Sammie Jones

    Hahahahahahahaha. I discovered a link to your article while on facebook, and because of the title I decided to read it. I have 4 words for you hil ar i ous. I haven’t read an article this funny in a LONG time. I read it out loud to my husband, and even he, in all his vaginalessness, laughed hysterically. Especially when he heard the part about vagina muzzle. It’s a very good article! I’ll be sharing it with my friends. Thanks for the much needed laugh and putting these ridiculous political issues in a reasonable light. Hilarious!

  12. Sammie Jones

    Hahahahahahahaha. I discovered a link to your article while on facebook, and because of the title I decided to read it. I have 4 words for you hil ar i ous. I haven’t read an article this funny in a LONG time. I read it out loud to my husband, and even he, in all his vaginalessness, laughed hysterically. Especially when he heard the part about vagina muzzle. It’s a very good article! I’ll be sharing it with my friends. Thanks for the much needed laugh and putting these ridiculous political issues in a reasonable light. Hilarious!

  13. MaritaBeth

    Thank you! I found your essay to be funny, poignant and very entertaining. I find myself unbelieving of the current political bullshit surrounding women and women’s health issues. It makes me mad and it increases my blood pressure and it makes me cranky. Me and my vagina! So, to step back, take a deep breath and be able to address the situation with humor is a gift you have given all of us. I know I am happier for it. And so is my vagina.

    I’ll be sharing your essay on Facebook … and I am sure many of my friends will as well. Hmm … maybe my vagina needs a Facebook page, too!

    Again, thank you. And, keep writing!

    ~MB

    • firstcityline

      This comment means so much to me – thank you very much. I had to re-think how to approach this issue several times so as to highlight the absurdity and humor in it and not just sound angry. It’s really gratifying to know I got it right.

      Thanks again!

  14. Kathie Wilson

    When looking for vagina muzzle try chastity belt. This is not the first time vaginas have been banned. Totally enjoyed your blog thanks for the laugh.

    • firstcityline

      CHASTITY BELT! Why did I not think of that? Of course, you’re so right. :) I’m relieved to know that I have that as an option if I ever need to go to Michigan. Now I just have to figure out what to do about my uterus the next time I’m in Florida!

      Thanks for coming by!

  15. Kathie Wilson

    When looking for vagina muzzle try chastity belt. This is not the first time vaginas have been banned. Totally enjoyed your blog thanks for the laugh.

    • firstcityline

      CHASTITY BELT! Why did I not think of that? Of course, you’re so right. :) I’m relieved to know that I have that as an option if I ever need to go to Michigan. Now I just have to figure out what to do about my uterus the next time I’m in Florida!

      Thanks for coming by!

    • firstcityline

      Thanks, Jeanne! Wishing you and all Michiganders luck with keeping your vaginas in line with political expectations. :)

  16. jennifer Jezylo

    Interesting that you should start with the “grumpy old troll” line … that’s what we from the upper peninsula of Michigan call those who live in the lower part of our state (Incidentally the “anti-vagina crowd). I’d like to think of us up here as above the fray.

    • firstcityline

      It’s good to know that the anti-vagina folks are all least concentrated in one area; that will make it much easier for tourists to know where not to bring their vaginas!

      Thanks for coming by!

  17. jennifer Jezylo

    Interesting that you should start with the “grumpy old troll” line … that’s what we from the upper peninsula of Michigan call those who live in the lower part of our state (Incidentally the “anti-vagina crowd). I’d like to think of us up here as above the fray.

    • firstcityline

      It’s good to know that the anti-vagina folks are all least concentrated in one area; that will make it much easier for tourists to know where not to bring their vaginas!

      Thanks for coming by!

  18. Karlotta Blaque

    Hilarious! Now…I have expectations 😉 I’m putting you on my favorite blogs list.

    • firstcityline

      Now I’m nervous! I hope I continue to live up to your expectations. Thanks for adding me to your blogroll!

  19. Karlotta Blaque

    Hilarious! Now…I have expectations 😉 I’m putting you on my favorite blogs list.

    • firstcityline

      Now I’m nervous! I hope I continue to live up to your expectations. Thanks for adding me to your blogroll!

  20. Shawna Meyer

    dang Kathie Wilson beat me to the proper search term for vagina muzzle. This is what i was going to post: I believe the correct term for a vagina muzzle is chastity belt. :)

    • firstcityline

      After reading your suggestions regarding chastity belts, I checked out Amazon to see if they sell them. And I learned that modern-day chastity belts are very different from the medieval variety! I’m not sure any of those would pass muster with Michigan’s legislature… but it sure would be fun to ask them. *evil grin*

  21. Shawna Meyer

    dang Kathie Wilson beat me to the proper search term for vagina muzzle. This is what i was going to post: I believe the correct term for a vagina muzzle is chastity belt. :)

    • firstcityline

      After reading your suggestions regarding chastity belts, I checked out Amazon to see if they sell them. And I learned that modern-day chastity belts are very different from the medieval variety! I’m not sure any of those would pass muster with Michigan’s legislature… but it sure would be fun to ask them. *evil grin*

  22. Connie Shehan

    This post can’t have been written by a feminist. We are well known for our lack of humor. (Just kidding, of course.) This is my first exposure to your writing. I’m now going to follow you. I’m looking forward to hearing/reading what you think about the “state” of breasts….

  23. I Marx

    Thank you for your humorous reflections. I live in Michigan and have been getting mad/depressed at the insertion of religious dogma in my VAGINA! Thanks again for the laughter.

  24. I Marx

    Thank you for your humorous reflections. I live in Michigan and have been getting mad/depressed at the insertion of religious dogma in my VAGINA! Thanks again for the laughter.

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