Dear Human Captor,
Listen up, lady. We don’t want this thing to get ugly. But you’re really ruffling our feathers and if you don’t start getting your shit together, we’re going to be forced to stop playing nice with you and your short, sticky companions.
Be advised of our complaints, as follows:
Failure to let us outside at an appropriate hour, x 2
For the last two days in a row, you and your mate have not met our expectations for being let outside promptly at sunrise. Sunrise isn’t even until after 7:30 in the morning right now, lazybones. What the hell?
Oh yes, you have that right – we know the time. We’re going to let you in on a little secret… we know everything. In spite of your brilliant deduction that we are, as you so eloquently put it, “stupid,” (such wit, Einstein!) we are sentient beings that know exactly what’s up. That time Lady Ermitrude Furgelsplat (not “Stella” as you and your fellow humans insist on calling her, or “SuperChicken” as the small, dirty one insists) defecated on your lap? Not because she didn’t know better. All those times you guffawed at our “stupidity” for – as you say – thinking your pasty, mealy fingers are worms? Laugh it up, moron. We know exactly what we’re pecking, and we are opportunistic omnivores. Thus far our admirable restraint has limited us to attacking your fingers rather than, say, pecking out your eyeballs. But don’t be fooled: our patience is wearing thin and our lack of eating off the meaty parts of your face most certainly has nothing to do with the affection you claim we feel for you (you imbecile).
Provision of a habitat not suitable to our superior standing
You are so proud of our house. We get it. It’s of our good breeding to allow beings of lesser tastes to take pride in their middling achievements,and so we have humored you thus far. But truly, enough is enough. We live in a garage. A garage! Just the other night, Grand Lady Clarabella von Stutterborgen broke down, because she simply can’t live with the shame. And your insistence on dumping shaved bits of wood all over our space? Simply not acceptable.Lady Aderoile Schneichenheizen had to clear her own nesting box of those infernal wood shavings this morning. Clear her own box! As in, herself! We recognize that your expectations are clearly of a lowlier class and we have been patient with the lack of regular maid service, but we demand immediate rectification of this abhorrent oversight. (Note: We’re not specist, but must request the services of a robin or sparrow and not a duck, goose or turkey. It’s well known that ducks and geese tend to bring a dampness indoors with them. As for turkeys… well, everyone knows about turkeys, naturally.)
Also – it’s cold! What is wrong with you? Why did you not promptly relocate closer to the equator upon our arrival? This is unacceptable. We will begin withholding eggs at the rate of one per day, until this temperature situation has been addressed.
We look forward to your prompt attention and sincerely hope that we do not need to escalate this situation any further.
With great patience,